Your Wife and Her Dumb Ideas

Your Wife and Her Dumb Ideas 

We all know what this is like:


Seemingly out of nowhere, your wife has an awesome idea!


It's something she’s really excited about, so she sends you a text with lots of exclamation marks and emojis.


Except you think it’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard.


Your first response – which thankfully she can’t see – is to scrunch your face, shake your head dismissively from side to side, and snap, “What?!”

In this post, I’m going to answer two very important questions:


  1. What’s really going on? (It’s not what you think)

  2. How should I respond when my wife proposes something I think is foolish or impractical?


Dumb and dumber

Let’s look at a real-life example of a wife with a dumb idea.


First, some context.


I have a client in the Pacific Northwest whose wife felt invisible and alone in their marriage for over a decade. Rather than slowly asphyxiate, she put their relationship on pause, asked him to move out for 12 months, and insisted he hire me.


Smart woman.


But last week she had a really dumb idea.


Just two months into their 12-month experiment, she sent her husband this text:


“Hey, I just saw a house for sale in that neighborhood we love. It’s closer to the kids’ school, has an extra bedroom and a full basement! Can we go see it? 😃😃😃

His first impulse was to write back, “Are you insane?!”

Fortunately, he toned it down and replied, “How is that a good idea right now?”


Understandable, given his situation ... but unwise, given his situation.


He missed what I call “a red-carpet opportunity” to connect with his wife.

A bid for connection

In a moment, I’m going to give you what would have been the perfect response to his wife’s “dumb” idea. But first, let's answer Question #1 — When your wife sends you a text like the one I just described, what’s really going on?


Here's what you need to know:

It’s not about the house.


It’s not about the neighborhood.


It’s not about the basement or extra bedroom.


It’s not about the thing.

She’s making what leading marriage authority John Gottman calls — “A bid for connection.”

A “bid” is a question, statement, touch, or look that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”

When his wife asks, “Can we go see the house?”

She's not looking for information.


She's not even looking for an answer — yes, no, or maybe.


She’s looking to connect with her husband on a deeper level than laundry, bills, and what’s for dinner.

Look again at her text:

“Hey, I just saw a house for sale in that neighborhood we love. It’s closer to the kids’ school, has an extra bedroom and a full basement! Can we go see it? 😃😃😃

“That neighborhood we love.”


Huge.


She’s taking a risk. She wants to believe her husband is for real. She wants to believe he loves her enough to evolve. She's dreaming about a future together with him and how awesome it could be!


But instead of joining her in that moment ... he turned her away.

His response — “How is that a good idea right now?” — reinforced her feelings of detachment and left her thinking, “We’ll never be on the same page.”


Here's the crazy thing. We want our wives to invite us in sexually, yet we say, "Nah," when they invite us in emotionally. We're not willing to connect with them in the ways they prefer, but throw a fit when they won't connect with us (have sex) in the ways we prefer!


​Now that's dumb.

Connect first ... Ask questions later

Many of us have a natural tendency to be business-like. It’s a strength. We don’t waste time. We get things done!


All fine and good.


But unless self-awareness is also a strength, there are times when being business-like will sour the moment. 
Push others away. Cost us an opportunity to connect and bond with the people we love.

Relationships are all about connection​.


That evening I said to my client, “From now on, forget the details. Don’t try to dot every “i” and cross every “t.” Don’t even try to figure out whether your wife's idea is a really good one or a really bad one. Leave that for later. Just be present. Connect with her.”


Here's the mantra I wrote for him:


“The point is CONNECTION. I can ask questions, voice objections, come up with a plan, and put all the ducks in a row later. My first priority is to connect with my wife and children.”

The abridged version is a little easier to remember and has been serving him well:


“Connect first. Ask questions later.”

How to respond

OK, let's get really practical. What would have been a much better response (which he sent the next day) to his wife’s “dumb” idea?

Here’s the first line:

“You’re right, we do love that neighborhood.”

Feel the difference?!


Everything about that one line says connection.


It says, “US!”


It says, “YOU AND ME, BABY!”


If your last name is Sullivan, it screams, “TEAM SULLIVAN” in capital letters.

Here’s where it gets really good:

“You’re right, we do love that neighborhood. What’s the address? I’m going to email the listing agent and set up a time for us to see it. Saturday morning is good for you, right?”

BOOM!


Connect first. Ask questions later.

Pushback

I can hear some of you protesting, “But Jeff, what if I was in this husband's shoes and already know WE CAN’T AFFORD IT?!”

I get it.


Neither can they.


But right now ... it doesn’t matter.


Connecting with her is what matters. 
Enjoying a shared moment with her is what matters. Walking through a beautiful home together and dreaming of what’s possible is what matters.

I’m not saying to write an offer on the home!

Maybe her idea is impractical.

But moments like these — when she feels cherished — give birth to greater moments of healing and intimacy.

Imagine you were this husband.


Imagine your wife smiling and bouncing through her dream home that Saturday morning. The tour ends and the real estate agent says, “I’m going to step outside and give you two a little privacy, so you can talk things over.”

That’s your cue to grab her hand, look her in the eyes and say, “I’d love to see us in a home like this. The kitchen has everything you’ve ever wanted. And that extra bedroom could be your office.”

She chimes in, “And the kids could walk to school! What do think, honey? Are we anywhere close to affording a home like this?”

“I don’t know. Let’s sit down and crunch the numbers. But here’s what I do know: I would give anything to have more moments like this with you. It crushes me to know I've been the kind of husband who made his wife feel invisible for so long. I can't imagine what I’ve put you through. I'm so sorry, honey. I took so much for granted. Would you forgive me?”

A moment like that can heal a thousand hurts.


Remember ...


Your wife’s “dumb ideas” are only disguised as dumb ideas.


They’re actually red-carpet opportunities to build closeness and connection and intimacy.

Connect, when?

First.

Connect first. Ask questions later.

Bonus — 5 simple ways to build intimacy

Here are five more ways to connect with your wife and build intimacy:


  1. Make eye contact
  2. Smile at her!
  3. Acknowledge — “Wow, you seem really excited about this opportunity.”
  4. Affirm — “You'll do great, honey. You're perfect for this position.”
  5. Invite — “That sounds awesome, tell me more,” or “That sounds frustrating, tell me more.”

*It's March 2019 and I have room for two married men who are ready for real change. Learn more.


Reignite your sex life! Help for a sexless or sex-starved marriage.

Learn the #1 way husbands
extinguish intimacy without even realizing it (plus bonus chapter!)


Get 2 free chapters
of Wife Magnet

Reignite your sex life! Help for a sexless or sex-starved marriage.

Move your marriage from cold-and-distant to close-and-intimate. I'll teach you how to win her heart back!

Jeff Borkoski. Speaker. Coach. Author of Amazon best-selling book Wife Magnet. Help for sexless and sex-starved marriages. Coaching for men and couples.

About the Author


Jeff is a passionate speaker and coach known for his obsession with helping men build strong and sexy marriages. He's a full-time dad, outdoor enthusiast, and raving fan of all things kombucha. When he's not oversharing on Facebook, you can find him in the mountains, the ocean, or Whole Foods.


Marriage Crisis Coaching

​​​​"He's stepped into the core of a woman." (ELIZABETH NEARY)


"It's like he was in my head the entire time!" (SHANNON RAYMOND)


"Guys, if you want to understand your wife, this is it!" (ANNY RUCH)


To the wife who feels alone in her marriage:

This isn't OK. You're turning into stone. You've had to stop caring when he looks at you, smiles at you, or says something kind. You've had to accept the reality of being invisible so it won't hurt so much.


How much longer can you do this?!


I have great news — Filing for divorce and fracturing your family isn't the only other option. I have a proven strategy to transform your current marriage into one that's sexy, fun, close, and intimate!


Click the button below to learn more.


Subscribe to blog

Have Jeff's latest content delivered straight to your inbox. Bringing sexy back has never been easier.


Contact Jeff

Book Jeff to speak at your next event, ask him a question, or just say hello. He personally responds to each request.


Your Wife and Her Dumb Ideas 

We all know what this is like:


Seemingly out of nowhere, your wife has an awesome idea!


It's something she’s really excited about, so she sends you a text with lots of exclamation marks and emojis.


Except you think it’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard.


Your first response – which thankfully she can’t see – is to scrunch your face, shake your head dismissively from side to side, and snap, “What?!”

In this post, I’m going to answer two very important questions:


  1. What’s really going on? (It’s not what you think)

  2. How should I respond when my wife proposes something I think is foolish or impractical?


Dumb and dumber

Let’s look at a real-life example of a wife with a dumb idea.


First, some context.


I have a client in the Pacific Northwest whose wife felt invisible and alone in their marriage for over a decade. Rather than slowly asphyxiate, she put their relationship on pause, asked him to move out for 12 months, and insisted he hire me.


Smart woman.


But last week she had a really dumb idea.


Just two months into their 12-month experiment, she sent her husband this text:


“Hey, I just saw a house for sale in that neighborhood we love. It’s closer to the kids’ school, has an extra bedroom and a full basement! Can we go see it? 😃😃😃

His first impulse was to write back, “Are you insane?!”

Fortunately, he toned it down and replied, “How is that a good idea right now?”


Understandable, given his situation ... but unwise, given his situation.


He missed what I call “a red-carpet opportunity” to connect with his wife.

A bid for connection

In a moment, I’m going to give you what would have been the perfect response to his wife’s “dumb” idea. But first, let's answer Question #1 — When your wife sends you a text like the one I just described, what’s really going on?

It’s not about the house.


It’s not about the neighborhood.


It’s not about the basement or extra bedroom.


It’s not about the thing.

She’s making what leading marriage authority John Gottman calls — “A bid for connection.”

A “bid” is a question, statement, touch, or look that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”

When his wife asks, “Can we go see the house?”

She's not looking for information.


She's not even looking for an answer — yes, no, or maybe.


She’s looking to connect with her husband on a deeper level than laundry, bills, and what’s for dinner.

Look again at her text:

“Hey, I just saw a house for sale in that neighborhood we love. It’s closer to the kids’ school, has an extra bedroom and a full basement! Can we go see it? 😃😃😃

“That neighborhood we love.”


Huge.


She’s taking a risk. She wants to believe her husband is for real. She wants to believe he loves her enough to evolve. She's dreaming about a future together with him and how awesome it could be!


But instead of joining her in that moment ... he turned her away.

His response — “How is that a good idea right now?” — reinforced her feelings of detachment and left her thinking, “We’ll never be on the same page.”


Here's the crazy thing. We want our wives to invite us in sexually, but we say, "Nah," when they invite us in emotionally. We're not willing to connect with them in the ways they prefer, but throw a fit when they won't connect with us (have sex) in the ways we prefer!


Now that's dumb.

Connect first ... Ask questions later

Many of us have a natural tendency to be business-like. It’s a strength. We don’t waste time. We get things done!


All fine and good.


But unless self-awareness is also a strength, there are times when being business-like will sour the moment. 
Push others away. Cost us an opportunity to connect and bond with the people we love.

Relationships are all about connection.


That evening I said to my client, “From now on, forget the details. Don’t try to dot every “i” and cross every “t.” Don’t even try to figure out whether your wife's idea is a really good one or a really bad one. Leave that for later. Just be present. Connect with her.”


Here's the mantra I wrote for him:


“The point is CONNECTION. I can ask questions, voice objections, come up with a plan, and put all the ducks in a row later. My first priority is to connect with my wife and children.”

The abridged version is a little easier to remember and has been serving him well:


“Connect first. Ask questions later.”

How to respond

OK, let's get really practical. What would have been a much better response (which he sent the next day) to his wife’s “dumb” idea?

Here’s the first line:

“You’re right, we do love that neighborhood.”

Feel the difference?!


Everything about that one line says connection.


It says, “US!”


It says, “YOU AND ME, BABY!”


If your last name is Sullivan, it screams, “TEAM SULLIVAN” in capital letters.

Here’s where it gets really good:

“You’re right, we do love that neighborhood. What’s the address? I’m going to email the listing agent and set up a time for us to see it. Saturday morning is good for you, right?”

BOOM!

Connect first. Ask questions later.

Pushback

I can hear some of you protesting, “But Jeff, what if I was in this husband's shoes and already know WE CAN’T AFFORD IT?!”

I get it.


Neither can they.


But right now ... it doesn’t matter.


Connecting with her is what matters. 
Enjoying a shared moment with her is what matters. Walking through a beautiful home together and dreaming of what’s possible is what matters.

I’m not saying to write an offer on the home!

Maybe her idea is impractical.

But moments like these — when she feels cherished — give birth to greater moments of healing and intimacy.

Imagine you were this husband.


Imagine your wife smiling and bouncing through her dream home that Saturday morning. The tour ends and the real estate agent says, “I’m going to step outside and give you two a little privacy, so you can talk things over.”

That’s your cue to grab her hand, look her in the eyes and say, “I’d love to see us in a home like this. The kitchen has everything you’ve ever wanted. And that extra bedroom could be your office.”

She chimes in, “And the kids could walk to school! What do think, honey? Are we anywhere close to affording a home like this?”

“I don’t know. Let’s sit down and crunch the numbers. But here’s what I do know: I would give anything to have more moments like this with you. It crushes me to know I've been the kind of husband who made his wife feel invisible for so long. I can't imagine what I’ve put you through. I'm so sorry, honey. I took so much for granted. Would you forgive me?”

A moment like that can heal a thousand hurts.


​Remember ...


Your wife’s “dumb ideas” are only disguised as dumb ideas.


They’re actually red-carpet opportunities to build closeness and connection and intimacy.

Connect, when?

First.

Connect first. Ask questions later.

Bonus — 5 simple ways to build intimacy

Here are five more ways to connect with your wife and build intimacy:


  1. Make eye contact
  2. Smile at her!
  3. Acknowledge — “Wow, you seem really excited about this opportunity.”
  4. Affirm — “You'll do great, honey. You're perfect for this position.”
  5. Invite — “That sounds awesome, tell me more,” or “That sounds frustrating, tell me more.”

*It's March 2019 and I have room for two married men who are ready for real change. Learn more.



Get 2 free chapters
of Wife Magnet

Move your marriage from cold-and-distant to close-and-intimate. I'll teach you how to win her heart back!

Jeff Borkoski. Speaker. Coach. Author of Amazon best-selling book Wife Magnet. Help for sexless and sex-starved marriages. Coaching for men and couples.

About the Author


Jeff is a passionate speaker and coach known for his obsession with helping men build strong and sexy marriages. He's a full-time dad, outdoor enthusiast, and raving fan of all things kombucha. When he's not oversharing on Facebook, you can find him in the mountains, the ocean, or Whole Foods.


Marriage Crisis Coaching


Subscribe to blog

Have Jeff's latest content delivered straight to your inbox. Bringing sexy back has never been easier.

​​​​"He's stepped into the core of a woman." (ELIZABETH NEARY)


"It's like he was in my head the entire time!" (SHANNON RAYMOND)


"Guys, if you want to understand your wife, this is it!" (ANNY RUCH)


To the wife who feels alone in her marriage:

This isn't OK. You're turning into stone. You've had to stop caring when he looks at you, smiles at you, or says something kind. You've had to accept the reality of being invisible so it won't hurt so much.


How much longer can you do this?!


I have great news — Filing for divorce and fracturing your family isn't the only other option. I have a proven strategy to transform your current marriage into one that's sexy, fun, close, and intimate!


Click the button below to learn more.


Contact Jeff

Book Jeff to speak at your next event, ask him a question, or just say hello. He personally responds to each request.

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