The Bengali poet and philosopher, Rabindranath Tagore, was speaking to husbands everywhere when he said:
A mind that’s all logic is like a knife that’s all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. (Rabindranath Tagore)
That was me.
- “I’ll out-reason her.”
- “I’ll poke holes in her argument.”
- “I’ll present a stronger case.”
- “I’ll wear her down.”
What I wanted:
My wife would come to her senses ...
Recognize my logic was superior to her logic ...
And have warm, fuzzy feelings for me again.
What I got:
More anger.
More distance.
Less intimacy.
Duh, Jeff.
PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN
Husband, get out of your head.
Enough with the logic and verbal castigation.
Feel her pain.
CONNECT with her.
But her tone sucks!
You’ll live.
She’s exaggerating!
It wouldn’t surprise me.
Her facts are wildly inaccurate!
I believe you.
I’m not the ogre she’s making me out to be!
I know you’re not.
All sound and logical rebuttals.
Yet look closely ...
Your hand is bleeding out.
A BETTER APPROACH
Maybe we’re missing the point.
Maybe what Esther Perel says is true:
Behind every complaint from your partner is an unspoken wish or want.
And maybe it’s time to try something new ...
To put logic aside.
To put “right” aside.
To charge headfirst into her complaint.
To skip the “Yeah, but you did the same thing to me three weeks ago” part.
Get past her tone.
Get past her words.
Find her unspoken wish or want.
Find the “I wish you paid more attention to me” or “I wish you pursued me like you used to” pearl.
It’s there.
It’s not obvious, but it’s there.
Just beneath the surface.
Just beyond what your inner defense attorney has allowed you to see.
LESS BRAIN, MORE HEART
Logically speaking, most of her complaints — especially the ones delivered in the heat of the moment — won’t make sense.
One more time with dramatic pauses:
THEY ... WON’T ... MAKE ... SENSE.
Your marriage improves exponentially when you accept that.
Bottom line ...
Her complaints don’t have to make sense.
You’re taking a different approach now.
One that’s less brain and more heart.
One that sounds like this:
Damn. I hate to think I’ve been the kind of husband you just described, but it wouldn’t be shocking. We all have blind spots and this could be one of mine. Tell me more, babe. Help me see what I’m not seeing. You deserve better. We deserve better.
That will heal your marriage.
And your hand.
Your Coach,
