Here’s something I’ve never heard from a husband whose wife has an affair, moves out, or files for divorce:
“Yeah, I saw that coming.”
Every week I hear the opposite:
“I’m in shock. I had no idea this was coming.”
Why?!
Why don’t we see it coming?
Why don’t we see it coming when a woman ...
- Checks out emotionally
- Withholds warmth and affection
- Removes sex from the marriage
- Says things like “I can’t do this anymore,” or “I’m done”
Why are we shocked?
Seriously.
What does it say about us?
Some of you can’t relate because your marriage is intact. But is it healthy? Is it growing? Is it robust?
Or is it “meh”?
Please hear me:
If you describe your marriage as “meh,” your wife would describe it as hanging by a thread, I promise.
If warmth, affection, emotional intimacy, and sexual intimacy are off the table, you don’t have a marriage.
It might look like a marriage, but it’s not a marriage. You might call it a marriage, but it’s not a marriage. You might share the same bed, but it’s not a marriage.
Not one with a pulse, at least.
It’s an arrangement, nothing more.
Your marriage is dead.
LOW BAR SYNDROME
Most husbands (I was one) set an embarrassingly low bar.
I just met with a guy whose wife has one foot out the door. With a bewildered look on his face, he stared at his coffee cup and said, “I don’t get it, Jeff. I’m a nice guy. I don’t do drugs. I’m not an alcoholic.”
Here’s what he was implying:
- “That should be enough.”
- “I’m crushing it.”
- “She should be happy.”
That was me ...
“She should be happy. I work hard. I provide for my family. I don’t have a temper. I don’t yell. I don’t drink. I don’t cheat. I don’t look at porn (well, hardly ever).”
All noble things — foundational — but how many of them made my wife’s “Qualities I Most Want in a Husband” list?
If I asked you to describe your dream home, you wouldn’t rattle on about the foundation ...
“We’re having a polyethylene vapor barrier installed between the concrete floor and the ground to keep moisture from migrating up into the slab. And we’ve decided to splurge and use #5 rebar instead of #4. We prefer the increased stability the 5/8” diameter offers. Isn’t that exciting?!”
Uhhh ... not really.
So when this husband said, “I‘m a nice guy. I don‘t do drugs. I‘m not an alcoholic,” I responded:
You sound like a great roommate, but how does not drinking or doing drugs make you a great husband? Why do you think that’s what a woman is looking for?
[awkward silence]
I continued:
OK, let’s switch gears for a moment. Instead of telling me what you don’t do in your marriage, help me understand what you do to be a powerful and compelling man. What you do to cherish your wife and make her more of a priority. Tell me about the last few date nights you planned. Tell me about her love language and how that impacts the way you relate to her. Tell me what she likes to do for fun and the last time you guys did it together. Tell me how she likes to be held when she’s sad or upset. Tell me all the ways you’re growing even more attractive to your wife.
[crickets]
Yes, this husband has a low opinion of his wife, but more important to understand is this:
He has a low opinion of himself.
So did I.
It’s the reason I set the bar so low. It’s the reason I accepted a mediocre marriage. It’s the reason I stayed busy, busy, busy.
It was easier to stay on the hamster wheel than to face my inadequacies as a husband.
It was easier to tell myself, “She should be happy.”
Put It to Work
- Check the pulse of your marriage. Where is it headed? What are you basing that on? A woman will never say, “I’m a few months away from removing sex from our relationship. Just thought you’d like to know.” Instead, she’ll say, “I miss date nights,” or “Remember when we went out for coffee every Saturday?” or “I’m sad about us.” She’s not complaining. She’s inviting you into greater connection and intimacy.
- Do you suffer from Low Bar Syndrome? Identify the deeper story you tell yourself. Mine sounded like, “I don’t deserve love and good things.” Yes, we get to write a brand new story, but we have to face the old one first.
- In my books, there are lots of check-the-pulse questions designed to prevent future shock and move your marriage forward, but let’s not forget the brilliance of Jack Canfield and the two questions he asks his wife every weekend: “On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our relationship?” followed by, “What would it take to make it a 10?” Give it a go. #bringingsexyback
- What’s one thing you can do this week to move your marriage toward healthy and robust?
- Is your wife checked out? Is she withholding warmth, affection, and sexual intimacy? I created an online course and community just for you. Click here to learn more.
Raise the bar,
