Last month I shared a quote from psychologist and couples coach Sue Johnson. It’s so important that I’m sharing it again.
Read it slowly, like your marriage and sex life depend on it:
What couples often don’t see is most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath the distress, partners are asking each other: “Can I count on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond when I call? Do I matter to you? Do you need me?” The anger, criticism, and demands are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.
That cutting remark?
That prickly attitude?
That outburst of anger?
Often, it’s your wife’s unconscious way of saying, “Where are you? Where did you go? Please come back to me. Please fight for me. Please make our marriage a priority again.”
Counterintuitive, right?
Anger, criticism, and demands.
Today, we add zingers to that list.
Webster defines zinger as, “something meant to cause interest, surprise, or shock.”
Zingers are the protest weapon of choice for married women in every culture and on every continent.
SHOCK AND AWE
One afternoon, the wife of a client walked into his home office with a loaded grenade, pulled the pin, and tossed it in his direction:
I’m going to get on Facebook and see if one of my old boyfriends will take me out for a drink.
She managed to squeeze anger, criticism, surprise, shock, and an implicit demand into a single sentence.
It’s brilliant!
His response, not so much ...
“Fine. Do whatever you want.”
On one hand, I get it. Rather than get bent out of shape, rather than escalate the situation, he chose to maintain his composure. He told me later that, “Fine. Do whatever you want,” was his way of saying, in essence, “You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. If that’s really what you want, I can’t stop you.”
But it was too passive. The moment demanded more.
Her zinger was an open provocation that invited — cried out for — engagement.
Instead, he chose un-engagement.
But Jeff, isn’t the posture this husband took — “I refuse to acknowledge your outlandish and unlikely-to-occur threat” — better than flipping out?
Somewhat.
But let’s aim higher.
ENTER WILLIAM WALLACE
My client called me a few minutes after the above exchange. He was frustrated, angry, and beginning to wonder if there was a better way to handle his wife’s zinger.
After commending him for not losing his stack and for his determination to go deeper, I said this:
Let’s save the “You‘re an adult” speech for when your wife can’t decide whether to buy the red shoes or the black shoes, not when she’s announcing her intention to get on Facebook and look up an old flame.
She’s poking the bear to get a response from you. Dropping hints hasn’t worked. She’s filing an official protest.
She’s really saying, “I’m feeling insecure about us. Let’s see how you respond to this curveball I’m about to throw.”
When you responded with, “Fine. Do whatever you want,” she heard, “You’re not worth fighting for. Our frayed relationship isn’t worth the effort it would take to repair it.”
The good news is it’s only four o'clock. We still have time to turn this thing on its head.
I took him back to his wife’s comment:
I’m going to get on Facebook and see if one of my old boyfriends will take me out for a drink.
Then I nudged him:
“Let’s work on a stronger response. Take a stab at it.”
Like most of us would, he gave me a litany of left-brain logic:
“Well, honey, I’d prefer you don’t go out with an old boyfriend. I’ll be sad if you do. It would hurt me, but we’ll get through it. I’ll continue to trust God to repair our marriage ...”
Yada, yada, yada.
I’ve never posed this question to a client before, but I interrupted him midstream and asked, “What would William Wallace do?”
He paused, thought about it for a moment, and answered, “I’m stumped. I have no idea.”
I said, “Fair enough. It’s an outside-the-box question, but I’m trying to get you out of your head and into your heart. First of all, William Wallace wouldn’t say, ‘That would make me sad. That would hurt me.’
“He‘d say, ‘No, you’re not getting on Facebook. Do you know why? Because I’m taking you out for drinks tonight. Be dressed and ready at 7:00. And wear that new skirt and top. You drive me crazy in that outfit.’ ”
#boom
Her zinger — “I’m going to get on Facebook and see if one of my old boyfriends will take me out for a drink” — was a desperate attempt to draw her husband back in. To engage him. It was a bucket of ice water dumped on his head in an effort to get his attention and shock him into action.
As cray-cray as it sounds to our male minds, it was an attempt to repair their relationship!
A proper translation of her zinger:
I wish you’d take me out for drinks. I wish you’d notice me. I wish you’d put work down long enough to make time for me.
Fortunately, he did.
(“Then why didn’t she just say that?!” will be asked by men who have drifted too far into their feminine energy. Read Better Man, Better Marriage if that’s you. It’s the only book of its kind written for men who don’t like to read.)
So ...
The next time your wife throws a live grenade in your direction, get out of your head and ask yourself:
“What would William Wallace do?”
Put It to Work
- Stop taking your wife’s zingers literally. See them for what they are — protests over a lack of closeness and connection. Attempts to repair your relationship.
- Step into your leadership role. Move toward your wife, not away from her. Turn her protest into a growth moment for you and your marriage.
- Is your wife checking out? Is she withholding warmth, affection, and sexual intimacy? I created an online course and community just for you. Click here to learn more.
Your Coach,
