When you think of your marriage, it’s unlikely your mind goes to the second law of thermodynamics (or law of entropy), but it needs to.
Otherwise, you risk losing the people you love most.
In physics, the law of entropy says that all systems, left unattended, will run down. Unless new energy is pumped in, the organism will disintegrate. Entropy is at work in many areas other than physics. I see it, for instance, when I work with couples whose marriages are in trouble. A marriage will not continue to thrive simply because two people love each other, are compatible, and get off to a strong start. To the contrary, marriages left to their own devices wear out, break down, and ultimately disintegrate. This is the law of entropy. To keep our relationships working, we must constantly pump new energy into them. (Alan Loy McGinnis)
It’s the great lie we all swallowed during courtship:
“Other relationships might take work, but ours is different. It has special powers. It will always be as awesome as it is now.”
We ignored the law of entropy.
THERE’S NO ESCAPING IT
Welcome to planet earth, where, left untended:
- Wood rots
- Cars rust
- Roofs leak
- Colors fade
- Beaches erode
- Muscles atrophy
- Cognition declines
And people — once wildly in love — drift further apart.
So predictably, in fact, that it’s a law.
Your marriage falls into disrepair all by itself.
WE’RE COMPLICIT
Your marriage is dying a slow, imperceptible, entropy-induced death. Yes, right now. As you read this.
Here’s what’s even scarier:
You and I give the culprit a pass. We deny that entropy is real. Sure, we acknowledge our marriage lacks sizzle, but we lie and tell ourselves:
- “Life is extra busy right now.”
- “We’ll prioritize our relationship as soon as _______ (the kids go back to school, she finishes her masters, the holidays are over, Jesus returns).”
- “Date night is difficult with kids. It’s so hard to find a babysitter.”
- “We love each other. That’s what matters.”
- “We don’t have money for couples counseling.”
Entropy is a master of disguise.
And we’re its patsies.
SIGNS OF DECLINE
The Gottman Institute studied 30 couples with good-but-less-than-satisfactory marriages. The researchers found that most of the couples:
- Spend very little time together during the week
- Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
- Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists
- Make everything but their relationship a priority
- Drift apart and lead parallel lives
The law of entropy at work.
No one destroys their marriage on purpose.
Marriages are destroyed for one simple reason:
We neglect them.
We stop pumping new energy into them!
Starting on your wedding day, your marriage begins a slow downward slide unless you take action. We have to do something active to counteract the erosion process that’s a normal part of most marriages. (Stephen F. Duncan)
PUT IT TO WORK
- Is there emotional distance in your home? Has sex been shelved? Wake up! Your marriage is hemorrhaging blood. Enroll in my online course today.
- Psychotherapist Alan Loy McGinnis said, “To keep our relationships working, we must constantly pump new energy into them.” What’s one thing you and your spouse can do this week to pump new energy into your marriage? Talk about it. Come up with a plan of action.
- Identify the lies you’ve told yourselves to defend entropy.
- Moving forward, what will you do to be more intentional about giving your marriage the time and attention it deserves? Be specific.
- Do something now. Clear your schedule. Plan a date night. Make a dinner reservation. Attend a couples conference. Hire a couples coach. Not later, now.
Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. (Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe)
Your Coach,
